Is this thing on?

One thing life will always do is keep you humble. For a long time, I found myself constantly asking, Why me? Why do I have to deal with this? Why can’t I do that? What’s wrong with me?

It took going to therapy to realize there wasn’t actually a problem with me, besides having anxiety and depression (but who doesn’t?). The real problem was that I wasn’t challenging my brain when it came up with wild claims about myself. For months, I’d create a pretty picture of what I wanted my life to look like. Then, at any chance I got, I’d stomp, kick, and spit on that picture. I’d find myself blaming the world: They’re going to talk bad about me if I share this, She’s going to think I’m weird, They won’t get it.

But in reality, I was the one being the voice of “the world.” I stopped myself from doing things I enjoyed out of fear—fear of being misunderstood, fear of failing in front of people. And honestly, I don’t know why it’s such a big deal when people fail. It’s a natural part of life, and it really allows us to grow. But no, I didn’t want to do that. I had to be perfect. Or almost perfect. Actually, I had to be my own unique, out-of-this-world version of perfect.

Dealing with perfectionism has set me back ages. I truly believe that if I had ditched perfectionism years ago, I’d be a millionaire… or at least somewhere close to it. I know the saying “no one’s perfect,” but I find myself constantly trying to achieve the perfect life. I plan, plan, and plan some more, but then I don’t actually do anything. And when I do put my plans into motion, I backtrack because something feels off, or I feel like someone is judging me. But in reality, if nothing is perfect, then doing something imperfectly is still progress.

Everything is easier said than done, though.

I’ve told myself I’m going to start living like my childhood self, because she was so adventurous with her dreams. It didn’t matter how crazy it sounded—she was going to try it out. I think adulthood and being online took away a bit of the freedom I once had when it came to expressing myself creatively. I’m writing about this now because I want to change that, and I know I can.

It certainly won’t happen overnight, but I really want to just do whatever I want! A lot of times, I make myself seem way more important to other people than I actually am. Nobody would care that much if I posted my Wednesday morning tea—it wouldn’t be front-page gossip or blasted in the Shade Room. And that’s exactly why I should be more open to trying new things, failing, changing paths, and whatever else.

This blog post is my first try at doing just that. I LOVE writing, yet I barely post now because I fear no one will read it. But honestly, who cares? My mom reads it, and that should be enough.

Cheers to us living for ourselves and going after our wildest dreams.